neptune

I didn't know that you would [[disappear->a]] after the last time we spoke.

[[It took me a month or two to realize I was beginning to worry about you->a1]].

I was preoccupied by the daily hustle and bustle, and your absence did not worry me [[as much as it probably should have->a2]].

[[I'd be neck deep in work by the time the spirit of the Danube swept you to sleep->a3]].

[[No worry->a4]].

You're just busy, [[right?->a5]]

Yes, [[you'll reach out to me again in no time->a6]].

Just like always, [[right?->a7]]

(t8n-depart:"flicker")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")+(t8n-time:3s)[[No->a8]].

It's been two years and my knees are buckling beneath the (t8n-depart:"fade-down")+(t8n-arrive:"fade-up")[[weight->a9]]

of (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")+(t8n-time:3s)[[you->a10]],

[[the corpse I cannot abandon->a11]],

so I [[carry->a12]].

I see you only in [[dreams->a13]],

the vacant space where [[our best-laid plans->a14]] used to be.

[[I thought we were supposed to meet again in this life->a15]],

I [[wanted->a16]]

no, [[needed->a17]],

to finally [[hold you->a18]] close like a real lover should.

to touch you even if it means my limbs turn into [[ nothingness->a19]],

in a tremendous effort to be the trembling ether that [[consumes->a20]] your person entirely.

Let me be the [[air->a21]] you breathe, at least.

The [[breath->a22]] of each morning that kisses the chill air outside your door,

and the breath of each lonely [[night->a23]] that caresses your cheek.

but [[still->a24]]

still is [[the sound->a25]] of your love-shy voice,

[[the sound that shakes windows and wakes me at night->a26]].

With all its (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[twinkling->a27]],

[[dwindling insistence->a28]].

I could not sleep last night without the sound of your throat [[moving->a29]]

in short exhalations [[and->a30]]

the static sounds of budget microphones [[and->a31]]

the sharp bleating of the [[foreign city->a32]] sirens.

[[I've never been to your home country->a33]],

[[nowadays->a34]], what does it sound like?

[[It must sound different from the United States->a35]].

[[Better somehow.->a36]]

Because [[here->a37]],

[[where the sky is often dark and seething->a38]],

[[and->a39]] the white houses like wet cotton balls

[[and->a40]] the suburbs the same in their blandness

with [[only one lively street->a41]] to speak of,

a street you never roamed but [[resuscitated all the same->a42]]—

[[where I dreamed to lay in my skin next to you->a43]],

I even bought [[a new mattress->a44]]—

gone is the cot which reeked of stale cigarettes [[and->a45]]

ethanol vomit [[and->a46]]

[[ugly nothingness.->a47]]

[[There is no sound that you have not imprinted on me->a48]].

The [[tearing, ripping, crinkling->a49]]

[[of pale yellow sticky notes you'd otherwise leave on the counter->a50]],

and the sounds of your hands gliding across [[paper->a51]],

[[are etched into my subconscious->a52]]

like words you've written and [[forgotten->a53]] to erase.

We [[never->a54]] got to have tea in Budapest or visit museums in Prague,

[[or->b55]] sit under the fuschia awnings of outdoor cafes in New York City,

or [[hold hands->b56]] on the street you were born,

[[or hold hands at all->b57]]—

but your fingers and the bridge of your nose on my [[lips->b58]]

were the best [[imaginary kisses->b59]] I have ever known;

the re-imagination of [[virginity->b60]],

a [[feeling->b62]] of giddiness and purity that cannot be replicated with any other body.

the carnality of my [[feelings->b64]] is the absolute essence of my intent—

[[I want to consume you->b63]],

[[I want to be consumed by you->bb]].

I'm sorry, [[and->b65]]

Everyone's a [[winner->b61]].

[[I am desperate->b66]].

I just want it.